Division of Household Labor

by Dr. Jenna Scott, LMFT

Understanding the Tension and Finding Balance

One of the most common sources of tension in relationships is the division of household labor. Whether it’s about cleaning, meal prep, or taking care of the kids, couples often find themselves in conflict over who is doing what, when, and how much. If you’ve ever found yourself arguing with your spouse about who’s responsible for doing the dishes, you’re not alone.

The Unequal Division of Labor

As modern relationships evolve, so too does the division of household labor. The truth is, despite the increasing number of women in the workforce, the division of housework is still heavily skewed. Research shows that women, on average, do significantly more housework than men. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, women’s work tends to be routine and ongoing (think cooking, cleaning, laundry, and childcare), while men’s household duties tend to be more occasional or flexible (like mowing the lawn or taking out the trash). In fact, the average married woman spends three times as much time on routine housework as the average man—32 hours per week compared to 10 hours.

The Parenting Discrepancy

When it comes to parenting, the imbalance continues. Although fathers have become more involved in caregiving over the years, research consistently shows that mothers still spend more time with their children, regardless of their employment status. A study by Parker & Wang shows that fathers’ time spent with children has tripled since 1965. However, despite this increase, mothers still report higher levels of stress and burnout compared to fathers.

Why is this? One possible explanation is the mental load that mothers carry. This mental load refers to the constant juggling of tasks, organizing, planning, and remembering what needs to be done. It's not just about the physical tasks, but the cognitive load that comes with managing the household and caring for children. This unseen burden falls largely on women, even if both partners are employed outside the home.

The Impact on Relationships

The division of labor—especially when it feels unfair or unbalanced—has a direct impact on relationship dynamics. Resentment can build, as well as feelings of being underappreciated or undervalued. These emotions can lead to defensiveness, escalation of conflict, a sense of powerlessness in the relationship, and a lack of intimacy. If one partner feels like they are doing more than their fair share of the household tasks, it can create tension that spills over into other areas of the relationship.

This tension can also manifest as burnout and exhaustion. One of the most common statements I hear from mothers in my therapy practice is, "I don't want to be touched." Women in my practice are physically and emotionally drained from the never-ending cycle of caregiving and housework. It's hard to feel sexy or desire intimacy when you're feeling overstimulated and overworked.

Mental Load and Emotional Labor

Let’s take a moment to differentiate between two important concepts: mental load and emotional labor.

• Mental Load refers to the cognitive effort involved in keeping track of tasks—remembering what needs to be done, organizing and planning the logistics of daily life, and making sure everything gets done. It’s the mental burden that typically falls on one partner (often mothers), and it can be emotionally exhausting even when the tasks themselves aren’t physically demanding.

• Emotional Labor refers to the emotional energy required to navigate the interpersonal dynamics of the household. This includes managing family relationships, maintaining emotional support for children, and even dealing with the emotional needs of a partner. Both of these forms of labor can contribute to burnout, especially when they are not shared equally.

  
  

How to Improve the Division of Household Labor

If the division of labor is a source of conflict in your relationship, it’s important to address these issues directly and constructively. Here are a few tips to work on this area of your relationship:

1. Have Open Conversations About Roles

It’s essential to communicate with your partner about the division of household responsibilities. Discuss what you both consider fair and be open to hearing each other’s perspectives. It’s easy for roles to become assumed rather than clearly defined, leading to misunderstandings and frustration. Talking openly about expectations can prevent resentment from building up.

2. Recognize the Mental Load

Recognizing and validating the mental load is a crucial step in addressing the imbalance in your relationship. Both partners should understand that managing the household isn’t just about physical tasks but involves a great deal of mental and emotional energy.

3. Be Willing to Compromise

When there’s tension around the division of labor, compromise is key. Understand that there might be times when one partner takes on more responsibility, but the goal should always be to achieve balance over time. Flexibility and understanding go a long way in fostering a partnership that feels fair and supportive.

4. Share the Emotional Labor

Emotional labor is often an invisible burden that one partner carries. It’s important for both partners to actively share this responsibility, offering emotional support, not just in times of crisis, but consistently throughout the day. This can help reduce the emotional exhaustion that one partner may feel.

5. Practice Self-Care

Both partners need to prioritize self-care. Whether it’s taking time for yourself, having a solo outing, or spending time relaxing, taking care of your own mental health is crucial. When both partners are well-rested and emotionally fulfilled, they are more likely to contribute positively to the relationship and household.

Conclusion

The division of household labor is a complex and often contentious issue in relationships. While progress has been made in recent decades, there is still much work to be done to ensure that both partners share the load equitably. By communicating openly, recognizing the mental and emotional burdens involved, and being willing to compromise, couples can work together to create a more balanced and fulfilling partnership.

If you’re finding that the division of labor is affecting your relationship, don’t hesitate to seek support. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore these issues and find practical solutions that work for both partners. Whether it’s discussing expectations, addressing resentment, or learning how to communicate more effectively, therapy can help you strengthen your relationship and create a healthier, more collaborative household.

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If you’d like to hear more about this topic, tune into The Coupled Podcast with Dr. Jenna & Dr. Nari. We discuss topics like household labor, communication, sex & intimacy. This is also a topic that is covered in our Getting Coupled and Staying Coupled online relationship courses: https://www.drjennascott.com/courses