by Dr. Jenna Scott, LMFT
Navigating the Complexities:
One trend that I've noticed in my practice, whether working with couples or individual clients, is the issue of sexless marriages—or marriages with extremely infrequent sex. If you’re in this situation, you’re certainly not alone. Many couples struggle with this, and it’s a nuanced topic that comes with a range of emotions, struggles, and complexities.
First, I want to approach this subject from a place of understanding and nonjudgment, because relationships—especially long-term ones—are intricate. The reasons behind infrequent or absent sex are different for every couple. In this blog post, I aim to explore some of these complexities and help you reflect on your relationship.
Defining What Works for You
First and foremost, it's important to recognize that there is no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to sexual frequency. I am not in the business of telling couple how often they should be having sex—this is deeply personal and varies from one relationship to another. For some couples, having sex once every two weeks works just fine, and that’s okay! What matters most is finding what works for you and your partner.
What Contributes to a "Sexless" Marriage?
There are many factors that can contribute to a decrease in sexual intimacy in a relationship. It’s important to acknowledge these factors without judgment, as they can stem from different places, including emotional, physical, or situational causes.
Lack of Fun & Intimacy: Relationships can sometimes feel stagnant, and when intimacy starts to fade, sex may naturally follow. This can create a cycle of emotional disconnect, where both partners feel less interested in sex because they feel disconnected from each other. Lack of fun, adventure, or new experiences together can also contribute to this.
Resentment and Unspoken Issues: Unresolved issues in a relationship—whether related to past arguments, unmet needs, or feelings of resentment—can bubble under the surface and manifest as irritability, distance, or avoidance. This can make it harder for couples to connect physically.
Infidelity and Trust Issues: After infidelity, rebuilding intimacy and sexual connection can be difficult. One partner may feel emotionally unsafe, making it hard to reconnect sexually. In some cases, the partner who was hurt might also desire more sex as a way of "marking their territory," or trying to regain a sense of control.
Which Comes First: Intimacy or Sex?
This is a big question. For some, intimacy comes first—emotional connection and closeness lead to a desire for physical connection. For others, sex is the key to feeling close. What’s most important here is open communication with your partner about what you both need to feel connected. Is it emotional closeness, physical affection, or both? Every couple needs to find their own balance.
The Impact of Busyness and Life’s Demands:
Life can get busy, especially when careers, kids, and other responsibilities take priority. This can lead to irregular sex or the excuse of, “We’ll do it tomorrow.” With travel for work, family obligations, or just the exhaustion of day-to-day life, it’s easy to push physical intimacy to the backburner.
Kids, in particular, can have a significant impact on a couple’s sex life. Parenting is demanding, and many couples find their desire for sex decreases once children are in the picture. While children bring joy and meaning to life, they can also drain the energy and time that many couples once dedicated to each other. The key here is making sex a priority, even when life gets busy. Scheduling time for intimacy and connection can help maintain that spark.
Tips for Rebuilding Intimacy and Connection
If you’re experiencing infrequent sex in your relationship, there are some ways to address this challenge with empathy and understanding:
Communicate Openly: It’s crucial to have honest, nonjudgmental conversations about your needs and desires. Many people would rather leave a relationship or find an affair partner than have these uncomfortable conversations. But being open with your partner about what you need can foster intimacy and help you both work together to overcome challenges.
Address Underlying Issues: Sometimes, sexless marriages are a symptom of deeper emotional or relational issues. Work together to address the things that might be causing resentment, hurt, or disconnection. This could involve couples therapy or simply making time for honest conversations.
Make Time for Intimacy: As life gets busier, intimacy can often fall to the wayside. Set aside time for each other—whether it’s date nights, physical affection, or even just talking without distractions. Intimacy doesn’t always have to be about sex; sometimes it’s about reconnecting emotionally, which can naturally lead to physical closeness.
Seek Professional Help: If you find that talking about sex or intimacy is difficult, it might help to seek guidance from a therapist or counselor. They can provide strategies for improving communication, addressing desire discrepancies, and working through any relational challenges that are impacting your sex life.
Final Thoughts
Sexless marriages are more common than you might think, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. The key is to understand why this is happening in your relationship and work together with your partner to address the underlying issues. Most importantly, keep the lines of communication open, and remember that intimacy—whether physical or emotional—is something you can work on together.
If you’re struggling with these issues, know that you don’t have to go through it alone. Therapy or counseling can be a great way to gain insights and tools for building a stronger, more connected relationship. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help when you need it.
Comentarios